Month: May 2016

So you are the Chosen One… Now what?

You awoke this morning and the spiritual advisers have spoken to you. The trumpets and/or accordions have bellowed from the highest mountaintop and declared that you are in fact the Chosen One. You know the one? The one that prophecy foretold of. The one that was spoken of in hushed whispers for centuries. The one we have all be waiting for with anticipation/trepidation? The one called the one.

That one is you. It always has been, and honestly you probably saw it coming. But a question now lingers in your mind. What now? Thankfully, I am here to help!

Here is a simple list to help you prepare for your adventures ahead:

  • Take stock of your family members. Are any of them secretly evil/a god/president of the world? You should nip that in the bud now and take care of them, otherwise this will turn into a trilogy, and nobody wants that.
  • Take stock of your friends/relationships and save time with this handy checklist. Are any of them:
    • Mysteriously stricken with amnesia? They are a Secret Princess!
    • A Lowly Orphan? They are a secret Prince!
    • Your best friend? They will betray you now due to mind control, but will come back later to fight the big bad/good.
    • Your worst friend? They will betray you in the end and everyone will have seen it coming. (Ditch them now!)
    • A talking animal that for some reason can also fly despite being an animal that doesn’t normally have wings? They are a baby dragon.
    • A relationship (old)? They are secretly a god/goddess that will be kidnapped.
    • A relationship (new)? They are secretly a demon/demoness that will kidnap someone else.
  • Do you have a master/trainer/instructor/older family friend? They are evil. If you are also evil you will need to betray them at some point. If you are good then they will betray you. Try to set it up so that their inevitable betrayal earns you something good, like an ice cream machine! (Mention to them today that you are lactose intolerant, for example.)
  • Do you have a hometown? Buy fire insurance now – don’t delay!
  • Do you have new powers such as magic, telekinesis, or trans-dimensional pants? Do not hire an instructor! (See above) Just wing it! You were chosen for a reason after all.
  • Train, train, train – when it comes to ways to travel on your journey, take trains! Do not take boats, boats are dangerous for the chosen.
  • Finally, here is a list of things to avoid/seek out:
    • MacGuffins
    • Crystals/Orbs/Seeds/Anything Else ‘of Power’.
    • Family Heirlooms – They will be cursed/immune to curses.
    • Swords – Prophetic, light, magical, special materials, singing, or swords of any descriptor.
    • Hats, hoods, masks – they will obstruct your face and hinder your valuable screen time!
    • Disguises – Remember to only use them once. After you pass that one guard, take them off. Costume Designers worked hard on that base outfit.

Always remember – You can do this! You are a protagonist now.

How to Survive A Time Travel Paradox: A How to Guide with 7 tips!

Look, the future is fast approaching. Some may even say the future is coming as soon as tomorrow! The time to be prepared for the future is in the past! Some may even say that the past was yesterday!

A time paradox is coming, that much is speculated. Will you be the chosen one that falls into the swirly time portal? What do you do today in the present to prepare? You prepare for the future, by preparing for the past!

Here are a few simple rules when dealing with Time Travel Paradoxes:

  1. Self Contact: Look, I know it is tempting to find yourself and tell yourself something… and that is exactly what you should do! Time Travel Paradoxes are rare, you might as well come out on top. Lottery numbers, medical advice, new kinds of hats – anything is game!
  2. Self Contact 2: Speaking about being on top… if you are your thing, then have at ‘er! Bang yourself yesterday and see if you remember it today!
  3. Otherly Contact: Avoid having sex with people that are your distant blood relatives. Unless you already had sex with them in the past. Then have sex with them, or you will cease to exist. Look for the yellow warning lights.
  4. Take pictures: Old pictures are valuable. Paintings as well. If it is on the wall take it.
  5. Remember what you lost: Remember that important thing you lost five years ago? Go and take it. Then you will have it now! (Bonus: Now you know who to blame!)
  6. Remember what you will lose: What would you steal if you found yourself in the future? Find that thing and nail it down!
  7. Bonus Tip: Avoid Dairy Products. Time Travel Paradoxes cannot handle dairy. It will not end well, or at all, or ever.

Good luck out there! Hope this helps.

(Yes, yes I am crazy)